Don't Think I'll Confess
by awakeningjenny
Summary: Don't Confess. 'Don’t be so hard on yourself, you won’t get better till you’re worse. Yeah, you send a little smile my way.' Complete Breyton Femmeslash.
1. Don't Confess

_Breyton femmeslash - The Beginning (Season One) _

_Don't Think I'll Confess.._

I'm five years old; a curly blonde haired girl bounces up to me and offers me a hesitant smile. She asks me if I want to be her friend and offers me a pink crayon. As I take the crayon she takes my free hand and pulls me towards the drawing table, babbling about flowers and rabbits. She's Peyton and I'm Brooke.

We ride our bikes down the street, she streams ahead of me, legs pumping faster than I dare to go until she realises I'm not with her and she stops. Waits for me until I catch up; we walked the rest of the way, her hand in mine.

We enter the high school. Peyton and Brooke, Brooke and Peyton. A blonde boy knocks past me and Peyton scowls at him, linking arms with me. I grin and she grins back. We're sitting in the quad, Peyton's drawing and I'm trying to distract her. The blonde boy is at the next table; he stares at Peyton, as if she's the prettiest thing he's ever seen but she doesn't notice. I pull her close to me and glare at him. He looks surprised but looks away.

We're fifteen. She kisses me quickly, pulls away after a second and laughs. Falls into the cushions on the floor amid the other girls, I giggle with her. Brushing away the impulse that's telling me to kiss her again. Bevin spins the bottle again.

Nathan Scott appears. He's the boy with it all. Looks, talent and now, my best friend. She falls for him. He falls for her. It's all I can do not to growl when he touches her. Which he does, often. Ignoring Tim's hopeful eyes, I watch as he kisses her and something inside me aches, I take another gulp from my cup.

She's putting me to bed; the room is spinning with her in the middle. I'm giggling stupidly but I can't stop. As she goes to leave, I hold her arm, drunkenly pulling her towards me; she hesitates for a second but lets me lean into her. As I kiss her she stills but doesn't pull away. We're sixteen years old.

We do everything together. My parent's don't notice that Peyton Sawyer stays over an awful lot. We spend the night curled in front of the TV until I'll feel her hand in mine, her fingers curling around my own. I lean down slightly and rest my head against her hair and resist the urge to kiss her in the 'family' room. The film ends and I tug her up to my room, pushing her against walls playfully as we walk. Once in the room, she's mine. Fully mine. She moans as I nip her lips, her hands running along my back, as I slowly push her onto the bed.

_Lucas Scott_ comes out of nowhere and all of a sudden she can't come over when she says she will. She walks out of cheer practice without looking back – and there he is again, watching her as she storms away. She blows me off more and more, for him I know. I walk into her room to find her lying on the bed. She's been crying but she brushes off my hand. _I can't do this anymore, Brooke._ I remember watching her lips move, she bites her lower lip and won't look me in the eye. _We're still gonna be friends, though. _She promises.

If I can't have her, I'll have _him._ He's using me. I'm something disposable; she's something he'd keep. She knocks on his door and I can hear her talking to him, she flinches when I enter the room. Her eyes show she's hurting and I feel victorious for a moment until I realise who she is, _what she is to me. _I try to reach for her but she moves and gives me a shaky smile and leaves. Lucas doesn't look me in the eye for the rest of the night.

They're together. I watch as she leans in and kisses him. My heart feels like it's been burnt. We reach the hospital; she's holding his hand but drops it as we enter. _Bitch. _I feel like screaming. _Her and Him;_ Peyton and Lucas, together. No longer Peyton and Brooke, Brooke and Peyton.

Nicki and Peyton are fighting. Nicki's pulled off her, both still kicking out. I watch as Nicki smiles grimly, lets the whole world know that Lucas and her had sex. Peyton's face falls. She doesn't believe it. Lucas, _her Lucas_, wouldn't do that to her but he has. I follow her as she pushes past him, watch her as she gets into her car and drives off into the night. She's not asleep as I let myself into her room. _Truce_. I wake in the early morning to find I've shifted over to her, wrapping myself around her in my sleep. I rest on my elbow and trace the contours of her face with my fingertip. She opens her eyes and stares at me until I lean down and kiss her.

She's Peyton and I'm Brooke.


	2. She's Amazing In Her Own Way

_Season Two – New Beginnings. _

She's Brooke and I'm Peyton.

She swings round, a smile fixed firmly in place as she takes my hands. Gently tugging me along the hall, I follow her reluctantly. He's back – Lucas. Apparently he's come back to mend relationships he left behind in his wake. I catch her staring at me sometimes, but she can't know who I'm thinking about, what I'm thinking about.

Felix is flash and brash and on some level she's doing this to hurt me. Jake left, Lucas is distant and I'm alone without her. She's still there, physically. Mentally? She's a million miles away. We laugh and we talk and we act-pretend that everything is okay. She still slinks into my room and curls up with me, I kiss her and she responds but somewhere deep inside I know she's cut herself adrift.

She's pretty in that dress. She dances with Felix as I sit and watch at the table. He holds her too close to be proper in polite company – but when was Brooke ever proper? I lose her as the night goes on, she dances, she flirts and Anna shrugs my hand off her like she's been burnt. I feel more alone than ever.

Dyke. _Dyke._ Brooke laughs a little. I turn away from her, I've been branded, damaged goods. She doesn't care. She slips into bed with me, her eyes seek mine in the darkness and I know that she still loves me. Has always loved me. I don't know what to do.

It seemed so easy – drugs replacing this _feeling_ and everything would be fine with the world. She whispered the words to me last night. She thought I was asleep. _I love you, Peyton_. She loves me – do I love her? I don't know any more.

Jake came and went and he took my heart with him. She knows. She's chosen Lucas again. As if being closer to him will somehow bring her closer to me and now she's leaving for the summer – maybe forever. I don't know what I'm supposed to do. I wish I could be strong for her like she is for me. I am Peyton and she is Brooke.

I hug her before I leave and I'm truthful when I tell her I'm going to miss her. I wish she wasn't leaving. She's going and I'll be alone, when she kisses me goodbye it's automatic for me to respond. Her hands grip me tightly as if she doesn't want to let go. I push her slightly from me. Her eyes on mine, her hands loosely held in my own. I wish I knew how to love her.


	3. Time Heals Nothing But Itself

_Time Heals Nothing But Itself. – Season Three_

He's wasn't waiting for _me_ at the airport; flowers clutched in one hand. She wasn't waiting for me, either. I've barely spoken to her. Avoiding calls is so much easier when you're hundreds of miles away, for Peyton at least. I enter her room, she's painting, has been painting, numbers along her wall. _All you need is one. _She's smiling at me and I wish that I could touch her.

He doesn't know. Anything. He doesn't know I've spent the whole summer wishing that she were with me – pretending I didn't want to be in Tree Hill with Peyton. We kissed before I left, now it's like it never happened. She comes over to helps me unpack – I try to catch her eye when we're alone but she seems to be purposely looking at everything but me.

Her Mom wasn't her Mom. Ellie, like some sort of disease, snakes her way into Peyton's life. Her thoughts. She hardly smiles at all now. Her eyes shutter as I run my hand along her arm, linking fingers. Her grip tightens slightly and she looks at me coyly. _P. Sawyer_ I whisper. She pulls me closer. I'm being used again. But somehow this time I can't seem to care.

We're exclusive. I tell her and she smirks. Of course, he's told her first. They've been off together, she chose _my boyfriend_ again. If she'd have asked, I would have gone, but she never would have asked. This time, he seems devoted to me, at least. As if he's trying to make up for the hurt in the past. The New and Improved Lucas Scott. Would _he _be hurt if I told him I'd give this all up for her?

The lights are out and the dinners ruined. He's worried about Peyton. My Peyton. The Peyton who's always going to be forever his – never forever mine. I rush out of the apartment into the rain and he follows. We shout and he uses clever words to convince me that he doesn't have those kinds of feelings for her any longer. I kiss him with all I have and still it's not enough.

Ellie's gone. Peyton's on my doorstep, she holds me desperately and the force of her kisses surprises me. She's pushing me backwards fiercely and we're bumping into everything. Somehow I feel my bed hit the back of my knees, I pull her down with me and she's crying and kissing me and I just want to make her feel good. I undress her slowly; she's the calm after the storm. Meekly sitting on the edge of my bed as I remove all that's between us, savouring it all. We're both unclothed. She pulls me on top of her. I couldn't love her more. She's gone in the morning.

As I corner her in the girls' bathroom, she at least has the grace to look embarrassed. _I'm sorry, Brooke. I couldn't stay_. I'm trying to stay angry – it's my only defence but she smiles at me and nods at the cubicle. We have 15 minutes. Then there's a gun and no Peyton. Somebody's tugging me, pulling me up off the floor, I've lost her – oh god; I've lost her. Lucas rushes past me into the school and I can do nothing but wait.

This can't be happening again. _I think I have feelings for Lucas. _This can't be happening again. Jake sent her back to Tree Hill, not to me but to him. She doesn't want me; I can't seem to understand that. I'm as much a stand-in for her as I am for him. If she doesn't want me, then she can't have him. The betrayal burns inside of me. Once again, it's Lucas and Peyton, Peyton and Lucas. The burning wants to swallow me whole.

She laughs and dances and I rage silently. I can't hold back any longer and it unleashes on Lucas. Poor Lucas, for he was only ever a Peyton substitute, yet even he couldn't fill that part of me. _Why won't she ever let me all the way in? _They've kissed. I can't be the Brooke that Peyton wants me to be. She knows now, I've given her more than two chances. And she's blown them all.


	4. Something To Believe In

_Love Will Tear Us Apart_

She walks out of my room without a backwards glance. She's proud and haughty and all the things she should be. She's angry, more than that, she's furious. And she still loves me. I glance at the sketch on my wall, three figures aiming for the heart, and I wish I could take it all back. I think I knew she wouldn't forgive this.

It's her birthday but she's nowhere to be found. Lucas wraps his arm around me and I let myself be comforted. He's strong and safe and all the things I wish I'd had when I was 16. He wasn't there then but_ she was._ He stops me from getting into my car, his hand warm on my shoulder and as his lips brush my cheek I wish she were here with me.

She hands me an empty box. _Her leftovers._ She laughs with Lucas, looking as beautiful as ever. I don't know which one I want more. They're like my night and day, she's beautiful and brilliant and Brooke and he's loving and loyal and Lucas. She's standing outside, hugging herself, her arms curled around her body. I stand next to her and we're silent. _I Love You, Lucas_.

I catch a glimpse of her along the hall. She's laughing with Haley and I feel a pang of jealously. I don't show it as I gather my books and leave. I'm sketching her face; she's hesitant, waiting by my bedroom door. I watch as she pushes her hair from her cheek. As I stand, she starts as if frightened; I sit back down and she inches her way into my room. She catches my eye and I'm shocked to see she's crying. I close my eyes and whisper her name. The phone rings, breaking the silence. _Lucas._ As I move to answer it, she's gone.

Brooke and Nathan. Before Lucas, there was Nathan. They roll around on Nathan's bed, the same bed I slept in. She's shaking her head slightly, as if she can't believe what she's seeing. Before _Lucas_, there was _Nathan_. My fist connects with her face and I'm glad to see her hit the floor. Lucas pulls me away and I'm crying harder than I can remember crying for a long time. He gathers me to him as I press my face into his shoulder. I crawl into bed. Lucas murmuring things to me that I can't hear and I'm alone when I wake up.

She came, she fought and we won. They wheel Derek or whoever the hell he is away from the house. Her hand grips mine under the police blanket._Where do we go from here?_ I wish I could tell her. I squeeze her hand and rest my head on her shoulder - how can I know if this is love?

There's only one bed in the apartment. She glances at me and I paste on a smile. _It'll be fine, we're friends, and it'll only be until we can get another bed in here._ She's not convinced and neither am I. I call Lucas and he doesn't answer. She watches me as I drop the phone. She holds her arm out to me and I crawl against her. She smells like strawberry lip gloss as I press my mouth against hers. Parting her lips slightly, she sighs, and I use that moment to deepen the kiss. I'm lying on the bed, Brooke propped against me, when the phone rings. I can't look at her when I answer.

We sleep together every night I'm not with Lucas. I can sense her watching me as I wake slightly. Her hand traces my arm, face, hips. She whispers _I love you_ and I pretend I'm still sleeping. The end of school has arrived. Karen and Haley give birth. Lucas needed me more than ever and Brooke had Chase. The end of year party is hosted by Rachel and I have to stop myself from pulling Brooke out of her embrace.

She's standing in a room, watching the party. I take her hand and she smiles. She pulls me to her and kisses me, I want to pull away but I owe her this much. She stops the kiss, leaning against me and I know somebody is behind us. _Rachel_. She doesn't look surprised. I can't do this. I push past her as I leave. Brooke shouts my name but I don't stop.

_I'm going to love you forever, Lucas Scott._ Am I? He doesn't want me to go – but he'll wait as long as he has to. As I let myself into the apartment, she's waiting for me. She looks small and hurt and I know: this is what true love is. It isn't Lucas. It isn't getting caught up in the fairytale of the story. It's sitting up for your best friend until 4am. It's never pushing but always being there. It's Brooke never complaining when I spent the night with Lucas. It's the way she hugs me when I'm down. It's the way she kisses me and I know. Something that I'd been too scared to admit:_I love her_.


	5. Epilogue ie Shortest Chapter Ever

We're road-tripping to L.A. She's driving, laughing at something I've said, looking more beautiful than ever. I told her. The night of the party. I told her I don't think I could love her more, and then I cried. She just hugged me and told me that now she had me, she wasn't going to ever let me go.

I take her hand and she grins. This is where I'm meant to be.


End file.
